Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
