I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Randomize
