Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
