It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
