We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
