so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
