I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
