This dress was meant to end up on your floor
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
