i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Randomize
