Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
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We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
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can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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