I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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