She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
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