I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Randomize
