do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
