You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
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Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
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