I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
