I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
