i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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