Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I just gift wrapped bread.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
