i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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