It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
