imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
whose parrot is this?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
