i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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