420 ftw
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
