I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
