I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Randomize
