if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
