She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
