yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
