you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
