My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
he thought i was a dude.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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