I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
