stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
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