you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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