Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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