just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Randomize
