he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
