I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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