Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
