bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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