omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
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