Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
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I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
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Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.