I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
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Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
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I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.