You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.