I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
