Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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