She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
