Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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