He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
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It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
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On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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