I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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