there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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