either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize