listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
