im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
