my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Randomize
