i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Dicks are not precious.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
